New Week, New Me. First WOD of the week update.

Today’s WOD:

Tuesday
Warm Up
Barbell 2

Part 1
“Grace”
30 Clean and Jerk for time
(RX) 135/95 (Scale) 105/75
6 min cap
Rest 8-10 min

Part 2
30 Burpee Over the Box
24/20

Note- facing the box

Ok, so when I saw this for the first time, all I could think was “yay (mostly) no cardio”. Burpees are my least favorite ever but I felt like lifting would leave me feeling just the right amount of accomplished.

Then I mentioned to my mother that we were doing Grace for this workout. Her response? “*gasp* you’re doing Grace?!”

Oh boy.

It was my first time lifting at QCCF ever. And yes, if you’re guessing that it kicked my butt then you are today’s winner.

I did 25 with only 20 seconds to spare and I took some big ass breaks in between. The moment I did the first few my back started tightening up and it hurt something fierce. So much so that I doubled over in pain much to the dismay of my WOD partner being forced to count for me. He was making me feel insecure. It wasn’t his fault. He wasn’t doing anything wrong. He was just watching me which I really didn’t want. Partner WODS, aside from burpees have been my biggest fear. I didn’t want anybody watching me struggle and I somehow felt that I was disappointing him. I know its all in my head though. I’ve gotta work on that way of thinking.

Anyway, something really great that says something in me is changing is that when my coach sincerely asked me if I wanted to stop, I told her no. I’m no bitch. I knew my tired achy body could do more. That was really cool of me.

The Burpee part of the WOD sucked. OMG. I was struggling/sweating/wheezing through them and managed 15 in like four minutes. It sucked. I wanted to stop. But even though I was the last one, when everyone finished they all started cheering me on which was awesome. I’d heard of this phenomenon from my mom before, but this was the first time I’d actually witnessed it. Even my partner who I’d psyched up in my head to be the person who likes me the least cheered me on. The muscley guys high fived me. They even remembered my name when they told me I did a good job. I feel like I matter.

Afterwards, two of the coaches and I went to dinner at a local Mexican place that has a paleo menu. I’d forgotten how nice it is to be able to talk to other girls! We discussed my goals, my fitness journey, my eating habits, and sprinkled in a little chit chat which was nice. The coaches seem more human to me. Not that they weren’t already lovely people. But its nice to see that they are fallible just like I am, and that they’ve all been where I’ve been.

Today I feel encouraged, less embarrassed and hopeful. I do have a long journey. But with this support system I really think I can do this.

It was a good day.

I’ll update more after my Thursday WOD!

-Kels

 

 

Recent words of encouragement

You guys are awesome. I was feeling really down on myself and I decided to go ahead and let people know that. I was so pleased and comforted by the love and support I received. Even from some folks I’d never met before. Here are some of the words that will keep me moving this week:

“The only way to get over it and feel good is to go. And go as often as possible. So use command words like “I will” and”I am”, instead of “I’m gonna try” or “I might”. You have to claim it and speak it into existence. What you speak you will become”

“Honestly, if you had the courage to even go into a crossfit you’re ahead of about 99% of the people in the world because that place is intimidating.”

“I am doing this for me, not anyone else.”

“Everyone has your back, so even when doubt and fear are present, confront them head on and with a positive attitude”

“It’ll get better. We were all in your shoes at one time. Hang tough!”

“You are not alone at all.”

“The hardest part is walking through the door the first time.”

“I believe with my whole heart that the Crossfit community is the best one for you to be a part of, even with a lot of the people being in shape already. Just remember the majority of them did not come into the gym in shape. Most of them have experienced the same exact feelings of fear and insecurity that you are feeling.”

Thank you friends for being there during a dark moment for me. The last quote is from the girl who signed me up at the gym. Know how most people who sign you up for a gym membership abandon you once you’ve paid the money? Not Tifani. She has kept tabs on me since day one. She remembers my name, asks me how I’m doing, offers to get coffee with me, and when I didn’t show up for my last two WODS, she sent me a message on facebook checking in with me. That’s how you run a gym, folks. Fill them with people who actually give a damn. For me, a person in a new city with virtually no one (locally) in her corner, it meant everything in the world to know that my absence was felt. I will be going back in for my WOD tomorrow. And its probably going to be very hard. But I WILL feel great (albeit a bit sore) after completing it.

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Documenting my fitness journey means documenting the ugly too…

Confession time.

I’m afraid to go back to crossfit. Something about working out in front of all these people and not knowing what I’m doing is just giving me a ton of anxiety right now. I’m not fast. I’m not good at this stuff. And I don’t want people to see me at my worst. I wish I could just get a personal trainer to work 1 on 1 with. I really don’t like being around all these people.

I’m trying to psych myself up to go. I need to go. I didn’t go yesterday. And I DO want to lose the weight. I just think I bit off more than I can chew with crossfit.

FML. F this anxiety. I’m so tired of being afraid all the time.

 

Body Positivity and Weight Loss

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Anyone who knows me knows that I identify as body positive. A quick look at my other blog or a flip through the most recent issue of my zine and you’ll find “Love Your Fat” plastered across a picture of Beth Ditto. So I think some people may find it strange that the girl who says “Love your fat” is trying to lose hers.

Let me explain: Fat is not bad. I am a fat person and I am beautiful and worthy. Fat is simply a state of being and it does not determine your value. There are healthy fat people and thin people just like there are unhealthy fat and thin people. And no, you can’t tell just by looking at them who’s who. Some of us (really, many of us) often forget that genetically we are all not meant to be a size 6. I certainly don’t see it in the cards for me, especially with the curvy grandmother I am constantly told I favor. Even at 120 lbs I had hips and big thighs. And that’s ok. My big thighs are beautiful!

The primary reason I am on this journey is that I am at an unnatural weight for my body and this in turn is beginning to limit my health. I have trouble performing basic tasks without becoming winded, my eczema has worsened with my weight gain causing me to flair up and scratch my skin raw, sometimes in my sleep. My breathing is loud, heavy and noticeable and I wheeze constantly. Even 50 lbs ago things weren’t this bad, and at the rate I was going prior to beginning this journey, I’d be dead at 60. That gives me chills to say, but it’s just the reality of my situation. My life depends on this weight loss.

And that is just me. It doesn’t give me a pass to run around and start diagnosing other fat people. And it doesn’t give me a pass to judge anyone’s diet or exercise habits. I never understood why so many people get all preoccupied with the way other people treat their bodies. Even if you don’t agree with it, it’s their body, not yours, and they don’t owe you an explanation. Period.

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So yes, I’m absolutely 100% still body positive. Fat chicks are rad. Thin chicks are rad. Short Chicks and tall Chicks and disabled chicks are rad. There is no wrong way to have a body. And I firmly believe that. I just also believe, that with ownership of your body, comes the right to change your body as you see fit.
And I’ve got too many things I want to do with my life, cutting it short because I dig Mcdonalds is just not an option for me.

-Kels

“One of the most radical things a girl can do is to own her body”
-Staceyann Chin